In most families, someone carries the “invisible burden” when it comes to kid-related tasks. If you’re not sure who that is in your house, I created a short quiz to help you figure it out.
Answer each with:
Myself / My Partner / Both / Not Applicable
- Who RSVPs to classmate birthday parties (and buys the present, and arranges transportation)?
- Who schedules the kids’ vaccines and standard doctor appointments?
- Who books the dentist visits?
- Who buys the Valentine’s Day cards for school?
- Who makes sure they have socks and underwear that fit?
- Who notices when they’ve outgrown their clothes—and buys new ones?
- Who signs them up for sports (and sets a reminder so you don’t miss the deadline)?
- Who buys the sports gear and uniforms?
- Who packs lunches and snacks?
- Who fills out field trip forms?
- Who checks that homework is done?
- Who signs up for parent-teacher conferences?
- Who ensures dinner gets made (and eaten)?
- Who sits at the computer waiting for summer camp registration to open at midnight—and puts it in their calendar months in advance?
- Who gets up early with the kids on weekends?
- Who checks on them when they’re sick in the middle of the night?
- Who has the baby monitor on their side of the bed?
- Who schedules the kids’ haircuts?
- Who reminds them to bathe at night?
Now add up your answers. Notice a pattern? (Just kidding…you may not.)
Why It’s Called an “Invisible” Burden
No one sees who filled out the field trip form, found an old checkbook, Googled who to make the check out to, stuck it in the right child’s school folder, and packed it in the backpack before the deadline. No one cares who ordered the size 3 soccer ball, double-checked cleats for fit, made sure we had enough pairs of soccer socks, or created the spreadsheet to plan the carpool.
No one notices who clicked on the parent-teacher conference link the moment it came in so that back-to-back conferences could be locked in on a day that worked for both parents.
This is the invisible labor.
It’s unseen, uncelebrated, and yet… it’s what keeps the entire ship afloat.
It’s invisible because people don’t talk about it.
It’s invisible because no one asks us to do it.
It’s invisible because we do it automatically—by habit, intuition, guilt, instinct, or a mix of all four.
We just assume responsibility. It is automatically added to our mental to-do list, seeming by no one in particular.
What It Looks Like IRL
Just to get the kids out the door, I…
- fill three water bottles with ice
- pack two lunches with sliced fruit and veggies
- make sure three kids have dry snow pants, gloves, and boots
- add snacks to two backpacks
- remember all the extras: rest bag for one, library books for two (on different days, obviously), and the homework folder for another
- check that everyone has weather-appropriate clothes,
- made sure all three kids brushed teeth and had breakfast
- feed the baby, change the baby, and make sure she has a clean paci
It’s a lot.
It’s not visible.
But it’s there.
Should It Be Shared?
There’s a lot of talk about dividing the invisible burden equally—and recognizing that it shouldn’t automatically fall on women.
And I agree.
But I also think… it depends.
I’m Type A, a planner by nature, with a sprinkle of OCD. It’s not hard for me to stay on top of things. I don’t necessarily want to shift things to my spouse (frankly, I am too neurotic!).
And it is not to say my husband does nothing. He cooks dinner most nights. He takes out the trash. He mows the lawn. He takes the boys to baseball—and even coaches. That’s a burden too (just… a more visible and often more praised one).
I’m not necessarily asking to shift the burden. But I do want to make it visible.
It’s Not About Praise. It’s About Acknowledgment.
Once we acknowledge something exists, we can talk about it.
We can ask:
- Does this need to be done at all?
- Who could do it?
- Should this change?
- Even if it doesn’t change—can we at least appreciate the person carrying it?
We can’t rethink a system we can’t see.
A Shoutout + A Thought
Big shoutout to Emma who wrote The Mental Load: A Feminist Comic. There are different names for this burden—mental load, emotional labor, cognitive load—but I like “invisible burden” best.
Because while a lot of it is mental (remembering, anticipating, planning), much of it is physical: doing the thing, or prepping to do the thing, or planning to prep to do the thing, or… thinking about planning to prep to do the thing.
This is the real layered chaos of working motherhood.
When I say I’m a “working mom,” I often picture that little space between “working” and “mom”—that’s where the invisible burden lives.
Who carries the invisible burden in your house? What do you wish people saw more clearly?
