How to Stop Feeling Guilty as a Working Mom  

If you want to stop feeling guilty as a working mom, you are not alone. I have often felt guilty for not volunteering for class field trips, for forgetting teacher gifts, and for not being with my younger kids during the day.  I’ll admit, I also feel annoyed when I’m asked to attend yet another preschool event during the workday.

But feeling guilty does not help anyone or anything. There are five steps that I have found to be helpful to stop feeling guilt as a working mom.

How to Stop Feeling Guilty as a Working Mom  

1. Identify the activities you enjoy doing with your kids—and schedule those.

For example, I enjoy playing piano and doing homework with my kids. I enjoy walking to school with them. I also like being up with them in the morning, making sure they are ready for their days, and feeding my baby her first bottle of the day.

I try to make sure I have as many of these activities in my schedule as possible because they give me energy and because I enjoy them, I can be a positive influence on my kids.

One thing I have found to be helpful is scheduling some of these activities into my calendar. For example, every other week, typically on a Friday, I schedule picking my kids up from school. I typically let them play at the school playground and I’ll either bring my laptop to do some work or occasionally I’ll talk to the other moms while they play. Then we walk home together, and I make them a snack. It’s a small thing, but it’s something I really look forward to—and so do my kids.  Doing this activity also helps me to feel less guilty about not, for example, volunteering on a field trip (something I find less enjoyable!).

2. If possible, allow others to take over the things you do not enjoy.

There are some things I simply do not enjoy doing with my kids.

• For example, I do not enjoy soccer and will allow any volunteer to take my kids to soccer practice or (dare I say it) soccer games.
• I don’t like playing outside or even being outside unless we are walking/running/biking somewhere. Gardening, playing with chalk, and getting muddy are not my thing.
• The nighttime routine of baths, brushing teeth, and making sure the kids are ready for bed is not my spiritual gift. I tend to be cranky at night.

So these are the things I will, if at all possible, do less of. And they may be things that other people like to do and find more joy in, so this is win-win. My husband doesn’t mind gardening with the kids and playing basketball on the driveway. My mom likes taking the kids to soccer practice (thank the good lord) and will occasionally help with the nighttime routine.

We don’t have to feel guilty that we don’t like all of the activities or doing everything all the time with our kids. Let others, who actually enjoy the activities, do them when possible.  It’s a win-win-win—for you, the kids, and the other caretaker.

3. Question traditional “mom” advice.

A lot of traditional advice for working moms actually does more harm than good. There is some well-intentioned advice that has underlying toxic tones. And makes it harder to stop feeling guilty as a working mom.

For example:

“Try to have a family dinner as much as possible.”

It is my pet peeve when I hear this. I understand that a lot of people like family dinners. Family dinners may be your thing. You may love to cook and love to all sit together and eat and talk about your days.

Some of us do not like family dinners. Some of us (raises hand) go to bed at 8:00 if possible, don’t really eat after 5:00, have misophonia and do not even enjoy the idea of eating around other people. Oh, and we don’t cook.

So whether you do family dinners or not, I don’t care.

The point is: instead of trying to schedule arbitrary family time that others say you should schedule (and then feeling guilty when you don’t do it or don’t enjoy it!), ask yourself what you do enjoy—and do that.

4. Once you have made a decision about how to spend your time, stop second-guessing it if possible!  

For example, tomorrow is Sunday, our “family day.” But instead of spending the whole day with family, I am dropping my kids off at my nanny’s while my husband and I go to a baseball game. (No offense to my kids but they are no fun to go with lol.)

Part of me feels guilty about this. I am getting away from my family on “family day.”

But I’ve already made the decision. I value time with my husband. I love going to a baseball game (sans kids). And my kids have fun plans with the nanny (going to play baseball instead of watch it—which they’d much prefer!) 

Feeling guilty does not help anyone. Once I remind myself of that, I often get over it. And if I hard time getting over it, I tell myself that it is totally fine. I move on to questioning the thought—which brings us to tip #5!

5. Don’t listen to vague advice like, “ditch the guilt!”

You feel guilty at work for not being a “present parent”. Then you feel guilty while you are with your kids for not being present or available at work.

And now you feel guilty because someone’s telling you to “ditch the guilt”—but you can’t. In fact, you feel even worse for feeling guilty in the first place!

If someone tells you not to feel something, how effective is that?

Instead of saying ditch the guilt, I recommend you question your guilt. Why?

Questioning your guilt allows you to remove its power. You can think it through and consider if your thought really is true. You may still think the same thought later—but you may not necessarily believe it.

How do you question your guilt? I love Byron Katie’s method called “The Work”. This involves isolating a thought and asking four questions. Ask yourself

1. Is it true?

2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?

(Skip this one if your answer to the first question was “No”.)

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

4. Who would you be without that thought?

Then you can “turn the thought around” or try a different thought. Basically, find the opposite of the thought—or some variation of it—and see if that is just as true or truer.

Example:

So for example, maybe you are at an event at your child’s school and you think, “I should probably check in on my emails.” (This is also something I frequently think when I am trying to be present with my kids after work!) Use Byron Katie’s method of questioning.

Thought: “I should probably check in on my emails.”

• Is it true? No.
• How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? It makes me feel guilty for not checking my emails. It makes me wish I was at my desk so I could efficiently glance over them. It makes me hope I did not miss an important email. It makes me hope other people don’t wonder why I am not at my email.
• Who would you be without that thought? I’d be a mom, fully present at my child’s school event—enjoying the moment, learning more about their day, and connecting with other parents and teachers.
• Turn the thought around: I should not check in on my emails. In fact, others are probably happy I am not instantly responding to their emails, putting the ball back in their court, so to speak. It also sets a bad example if I have time off in my calendar and yet am answering emails anyway. It is good for me, and everyone else, if I am not checking emails during the school function. So this thought feels “truer” than my original thought.

Guilt will always try to creep in—especially when you’re juggling work and motherhood—but it doesn’t have to run the show. The more intentional you are about how you spend your time and the more you challenge the guilt-inducing thoughts, the easier it becomes to quiet that inner critic and stop feeling guilty as a working mom!